I love to sit back and watch my children. Often when I do this sort of thing they get nervous and will ask me why am I looking at them. The truth is in those moments what I am really doing is reflecting on how much they may have grown, changed, developed, etc. To them I know it means nothing but for me it is absolutely amazing.

For a long time I never understood why they called it “the miracle of childbirth” but when you consider how many cells and organisms are constantly at work, for them to really come together perfectly is actually a miracle and so when I am watching my children, it’s almost as if I can see all that happen and often I am grateful, but sometimes I am amazed and frequently I see the humor in it all.

But lately we have crossed into a new space that I wasn’t quite ready for. My older boy is gonna need to start wearing some deodorant. Lately, I find myself catching scents of him that aren’t always the sweet little boy he was. Sometimes, he flat out stinks!

Yes I have stepped up his shower game, reminding him to pay extra attention. I stick my head in the bathroom while he is bathing and yell “and don’t forget to clean under your arms!” Side note: he would probably die if he knew I was telling you this. Yes, I subject him to random sniff tests and in casual conversation I even tell him how much he is growing and changing and how he’s gonna have to start doing some big boy things like deodorant and washing his own hair in the shower (I just stepped him and his brother up out of kiddie shampoos into a separate shampoo and conditioner. And having to find a moisture rich shampoo for bi-racial boys with curly hair was no easy feat I might add)…but I digress

The point I am making is he just 9.5 years old. He seems to young to have to start being focused on these things…yet I have absolutely no recollection when I myself started making the transition!

And so as I watch him my mind wanders to Dear God, what will be next! And instead of being amazed and excited for him…I grow fearful for myself.

I am not ready! I am not.